Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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