I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
