if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
