My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
