I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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