And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
