I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
