If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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