Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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