You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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