You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
