You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
