ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
