watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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