yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
