The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
