I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
