I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
