There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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