Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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