he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
