I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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