im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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