New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
