I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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