Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
