Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
