im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
