so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
