I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
