I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I supernannyed him into submission
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
And then he peed in my hair
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