I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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