you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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