He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
