Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Mom said you looked used
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
