I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
