Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
