My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
