I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
