Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
