it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
