i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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