You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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