i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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