Little spoons don't ask big questions
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
