shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
