My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
