I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
