My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I intend to get homeless drunk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
