Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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