So gin and wine won't be happening again
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
