Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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