Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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