I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
