I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
